The Clockwork Theater: the brilliant addition to the farmhouse in Gnaw Bone which Tempest built as a welcome gift for Montague. Dozens of members of the Astro Creeps’ extended following have taken the place of the mannequin cameras which usually form the uncanny valley of an audience. A trumpeter and trombonist flanking the stage begin to play a rapid fanfare as a panel at the front of the stage slides around the front semicircle of the dais.
The assembled Creeps applaud as Montague is revealed behind his control podium. He flips a switch, causing a wall-spanning banner to unfurl, emblazoned with the Astro Creeps logo.
(I’m not going to spoonfeed it to you. Use your imagination. Whatever you think it looks like, you’re probably right.)
Montague: Today is International Volunteer Day, and, being the beloved philanthropist I am, I have asked for several minutes of your time today in the hopes that I might inspire you to go out into the world today and demonstrate our unshakeable solidarity!
Even though he raises a triumphant fist over the levers, the crowd doesn’t respond outside of a few confused murmurs.
Montague: For the future of our company, we must move together and we must move now. This is not an age to stand solitary but in league as one, in solidarity with each other. We must inspire our undiscovered Creeps to join us to move this industry forward.
Moving his index finger in an arc as he speaks, Montague gradually points at everyone in the auditorium.
Montague: Recognising, recruiting and accepting those who volunteer to join us must be achieved through our acts. We must show them what they’re capable of, when they stand with us.
The Showman flicks a stack of yellow catalog envelopes from the top of the podium and holds them up to shoulder height, jabbing at the air with them to punctuate his next several sentences.
Montague: With one accord, we’re inviolable. With one accord, we compel change. With one accord, for the greater benefit. With one accord, we create the difference. With one accord, we are the solution.
Here in my hand, I have several volunteering opportunities. I’m asking for groups of at least four to take each assignment and perform their civic duty. Anyone who is feeling especially charitable should volunteer for as many assignments as they can handle.
Monty sets the envelopes back on the podium, opening the one on top.
Montague: The city council of Stone Head is requesting for the town square gazebo and bandstand to be sanded down and repainted.
He raises expectant eyebrows and looks out at the Creeps, who haven’t warmed up to the day’s celebration yet.
Montague: Painting supplies will be picked up from the abattoir…
He carries the last word out, then grins as four hands shoot up on the left side of the audience. Montague plucks a quill out of thin air and writes several names on the outside of the envelope before setting it aside and moving to the next.
Montague: Excellent! Next up, we need servers for a late autumn carnival being put on by Annandale Estates. Whoever takes this assignment will need to stop on the way to pick up several preordered packages from the insectary in Nashville. Any takers?
SIx hands are raised this time, causing Monty to scribble furiously as he captures all of their names. This continues for several more volunteer jobs, including: reading the Voynich Manuscript, Finnegan’s Wake, and Codex Seraphinianus to elementary children at the Mt. Liberty public library; collecting pig, chicken, and cow blood from a butchery in Belmont to be delivered to their Bloodmobile; coaching the local youth gravedigger’s team; and donating unwanted Baltimore Elite merch at every Goodwill in Brown County.
Montague sets aside the final envelope, overwhelmed by the selflessness of his friends.
Montague: I have one more opportunity. Tonight, we’ll celebrate Krampusnacht in Chicago by ending Ken Davison’s flatlining career. I’m certain he’ll continue to avoid keeping the promise he’s made every week since he’s been on the payroll; that he’s finally ready to drop the Mr. Nice Guy routine and unleash the more savage version of GKD that apparently only exists in his own selective memory. Last week we made an example of Travis Pierce, who somehow managed to get the needle on his relevance gauge to twitch in my absence.
I stayed away long enough for the echo of my first roughshod run through the Chaos Division to fade in the shadow of Sebastian Everett-Bryce’s record-setting reign. Week after week I intend to remind UGWC and its audience that all of them, Travis, Ken, Sebastian, they’re all part of our show. I need volunteers to come to Chicago and help them recollect.
Every hand in the room rises in unison as Montague smirks.
