Monica: “Welcome to The Rundown, with Monica Reynolds!”
“Tonight on the program, we’ll be discussing the tragic DCA crash and what we know so far, as well as the ramifications of the collapse of German Chancellor Olaf Scholz's coalition. But first, we’ll be diving into the impacts of the polar vortex that has frozen much of the country under unseasonal weather conditions.”
“States in the South, including Florida, Louisiana, and Texas, have experienced unprecedented snowfall and ice, causing significant disruptions. The effects of this polar vortex are being felt far and wide. The eastern United States has faced treacherous road conditions, numerous school closures, power outages, and flight cancellations. Major cities like Washington, D.C., and Louisville, Kentucky, saw heavy snow, while Kansas and Missouri dealt with blizzard conditions. The extreme cold led to numerous vehicle accidents, stranded motorists, and advisories urging residents to stay indoors. Over 250,000 customers were left without power, and airports are grappling with major delays.”
“Joining us tonight to discuss the aftermath are senior FEMA official Mark Hammond, glaciologist Dr. Evelyn Harland, and transportation infrastructure expert David Patel. And… wait a second… UGWC Cooperative Champion Lucy Wylde?”
Monica: “Let’s go first to Dr. Harland. Doctor, what caused this unusual event?
Dr. Harland: "Thanks, Monica. To put it simply, the polar vortex is a giant mass of cold air that usually sits over the Arctic, kind of like a cold bubble. It’s kept in place by fast-moving winds high up in the atmosphere. Normally, it doesn’t stray too far from the North Pole.”
“But in this case, something unusual happened. The air up in the Arctic warmed up more than it normally does, and this weakens the winds that keep the vortex contained. When those winds slowed down, the cold air in the vortex had nowhere to stay and it started to spill out, moving much farther south than usual.”
Monica: “I know this is a touchy subject, Doctor, but what responsibility do Americans, and the broader world, carry for this event?”
Dr. Harland: "Monica, the polar vortex itself is natural, but climate change is making these events more extreme. The Arctic is warming faster than the rest of the world, which weakens the winds that usually keep the cold air contained. So, while we can't blame this event on climate change alone, the rising global temperatures are definitely making these kinds of extreme weather events more common. It's a responsibility we all share to reduce emissions and slow this trend."
Patel: "I appreciate Dr. Harland’s perspective, but when it comes to transportation disruptions, we need to focus on the real, immediate issues. This event, like so many others, highlights the fundamental problems in our infrastructure. Our roads, airports, and rail systems are constantly underfunded and in need of maintenance. Airlines cancel flights not because of the weather, but because they don’t have the proper equipment or systems in place to handle snow and ice, especially in regions that rarely see it. The same goes for public transit and highways—too many cities and states simply aren’t investing in the right kind of infrastructure to prepare for these events, whether it's a mild winter or an extreme one.”
Monica: “Mr. Patel, are you saying these regions should have been prepared for this, despite not normally having to deal with these kinds of conditions?”
Patel: “Yes, the weather was harsh, but the real issue here is a lack of preparation and foresight. We’ve seen this year after year, and polar vortexes happen even in the Southeastern United States often enough in history. Infrastructure needs investment, consistent maintenance, and proper planning. Until we address that, we’ll continue to see these avoidable disruptions, no matter what the weather's doing."
Monica: “Um… Lucy, do you have anything you’d like to add?”
Lucy: “You know what I think?”
Monica: “Uhm, no… I–”
Lucy: “I think it’s about time for Alan to actually do what he’s been flirting with doing for what… six months now? I mean for Christ’s sake, what WILL it take to make you go away, Alan? Another kid? Well chop, chop Al. Get on that. Pump and jump, Al. Pump. And. Jump. But noooooo… We can’t get that lucky, can we? You see, I’ve got better things to do here than watch you desperately try and suck whatever ego stroking you can get out of this business before you disappear for good. Teaming up with TRAVIS PIERCE to come for our Cooperative titles? COME ON. Even that guy that drives race cars with the face of a petrified squirrel can see how far you’ve fallen, Al. Is that really what you want your kid to see? You and Pierce?”
Monica: “I’m afraid that’s not entirely on topic, Ms. Wy–”
Lucy: “Next thing I know, you’re gonna be coming for my Coop championship too, you son of a bitch. But let me ask you this… what the HELL are you going to do with a CHICKEN?! She’s mine! And I’m sure as hell not letting Travis get within ten feet of my Coop title - I know a chicken fucker when I see one… Don’t ask me how, but it’s true. Keep your eyes to yourself, Trav. I know it’s difficult when you look at us - it’s so unfamiliar to see people being the best at something for so long and think… why not you? It’s probably got something to do with that plywood-esque personality of yours.”
“I don’t even know why I’m here, honestly. This isn’t even the title match. But hey, all of this still stands in a few weeks when there’s a little more on the line than having to suffer through another Donovan Hastings sighting. Between that and teaming with the Professor of who the fuck cares, M.D., I can barely contain my excitement. Then again, maybe I’m the crazy one. I mean who doesn’t LOVE a title match preview within a title match preview? I’m sorry, but who are you again?”
Monica: “... Alright. I’m sorry, Mr. Hammond, but we’ve run out of time for this segment. We’ll have to move on, but I would like to have you back to discuss FEMA’s priorities in the wake of this disaster.”
“Did you do that?” Montague asked, eyebrow raised in a bemusement.
Sebastian stepped closer to the monitor in the room from where they’re currently watching Lucy’s appearance on The Rundown. He squinted, then leaned in closer to look at his BFF’s screen.
“Ha - I assumed someone would move it,” said Seb grinning. “Most excellent.”
Sebastian turned away from the monitor and makes eye contact with his long-time rival, Montague. For his part, Monty smiled approvingly.
“Well done,” he intoned, a genuine smirk appearing.
“Mmmm,” said Seb, clamming up a little, stepping away from Monty. “So, you. Me. Same team. Little awkward really… I’d appreciate it if you could wait until after the match before you spring whatever little trap you have planned for me and my BFF.”
Montague gives a single nod, slowly acquiescing the point.
“That’s a fair request,” Monty admits, “and no guarantee I can give will assuage your suspicions. However, I can share, with a grain of salt, that my focus is on Donovan Hastings, and perhaps to a lesser degree, Alan Wallace. I don’t find much entertainment in rehashing a rivalry that ran out of fuel long before our most recent Cooperative Championship bout.”
“Hastings, I can understand - but Wallace? Take it from someone who knows - picking a fight with Vain when you have no reason to is a recipe for disappointment,” said Seb, clicking his tongue. “You might want to keep your eyes on Donovan - because splitting your attention is a mistake that you can’t quite afford.”
Seb pauses and furrows his brow before shaking his head.
“Why the hell am I trying to help you of all people?” Seb asked. “This is the fucking Twilight Zone - do you have Tempest hiding somewhere around here?”
Montague’s eyes widen suddenly, and his smirk turns to a full grin.
“Do you know where he is??” he asked. Sebastian fixed him with an impatient stare.
“My time with The Effervescent Eight-Pack is coming, and I have no intention of interfering with the current sequence of events playing out for the Empire of Calamity and… The Sexy Weapons?” Montague shuddered at his momentary lapse in creativity. Sebastian smirked.
“You know as well as I do that no team involving Travis would have a name without “Piercing” in there - probably be the Piercing Clit Whisperers or something equally banal,” said Seb, before he also shuddered. “Oh god… Piercing Vanity?”
Seb made a wretching sound and began to fan himself, before sitting down on the edge of the seat - Seb glanced up at Monty who seemed to have a moment of epiphany.
“Clit Piercing?” Monty offered.
They both blank face for a moment before wisely moving on.
“At any rate,” Monty continued, “The World Champion is at the end of the road with the most unexpected plot twists, and so I’ll pursue that for now, and for as long as I’m entertained. Until then, you and Lucy can consider yourselves… off the hook?”
“Well in that case,” said Sebastian standing back up having regained his composure. “It looks like you don’t have to worry about the two of us returning the favour.”
Seb tentatively held out his hand.
“A truce…” Seb said, calmly, not taking his eyes off Montague.
“A truce,” Montague agrees, extending his own to grasp Seb’s.
They shake, before Seb turns back to the monitor again and looks on proudly at the screen upon which his BFF is currently mid-rant.
“You know, I have to say…,” Seb said, swelling with unmitigated pride. “That is a fantastic picture of me.”
Monica: "In our next story, researchers have found new ways to store renewable energy more efficiently. One method turns excess energy into heat. Another method lifts heavy blocks with extra energy and lowers them to generate power. Could this be the answer to alternative renewable energy sources?"
"Tonight, we welcome battery technology expert Dr. Olivia McFadden, CEO of the clean energy startup EcoVolt, Ethan Ruiz, and energy storage scientist Dr. Kai Lawson. And... um, ok... UGWC's Doctor-Professor and World Championship #1 Contender, Montague Cervantes?"
Monica: “Dr. Lawson, can you explain to us how these new energy storage processes work?
Dr. Lawson: "These new storage methods capture excess energy and save it for when demand rises. Take thermal storage—extra power is converted into heat, stored in materials like molten salt, and later used to generate electricity. It’s efficient and smooths out supply fluctuations."
"Gravity-based storage works like a massive battery, but with weight instead of chemicals. Extra energy lifts heavy blocks; when power is needed, they’re lowered, driving generators to produce electricity. Simple physics—storing potential energy and converting it back when required. Both methods prevent waste and ensure a steady power supply."
Monica: “How long before we could possibly see these energy-storage methods adopted on a wide scale?”
Ruiz: "Look, we’re at a breaking point. Right now, we waste an obscene amount of renewable energy just because we don’t have the storage to keep it. Every time the wind dies down or the sun sets, we fall back on fossil fuels when we should be using the energy we already captured. These storage solutions aren’t just convenient—they’re the difference between a sustainable future and clinging to outdated, polluting systems."
"We don’t have time to ‘gradually’ transition. The planet isn’t waiting for us to get our act together. Every step we take toward efficient energy storage means fewer emissions, less pollution, and a real shot at breaking our dependence on fossil fuels. If we don’t invest in these solutions now, we’re just dooming ourselves to the same old cycle of waste and environmental destruction."
Montague: “May I say something here?”
Monica: “Um, sure, go ahead, Doctor.”
Montague: “Doctor-Professor, please. Thank you, Monica.”
He clears his throat.
Montague: “Donovan is kind of like an antiquated coal plant—still chugging along, still wielding control of the grid, even as the world fights to move on to more sustainable, forward-thinking Entertainment Professionals. He hoards power instead of distributing it, ensuring that only he benefits.”
Monica: “I’m sorry, who?”
Montague: “True innovation isn’t about clutching onto old power—it’s about adaptation, about allowing energy to flow where it’s needed most. If you check the UGWC grid, you’ll see Donovan’s been siphoning the current for far too long.”
Monica: “Dr. McFadden, I can see you trying to say something, but you appear to be muted.
Montague: “Hastings talks about ‘collecting’ me like I’m a trophy for his mantle, but I’m not an artifact for his museum of past glories—I’m the energy source that’s about to power the future of UGWC.”
Monica: “I’m sorry, but we have to move–”
Montague: “You know what happens when infrastructure is built on arrogance instead of adaptability? Blackouts. Hastings strutted into last week’s triple threat like he was going to engineer an acquisition—then I pulled the plug.”
Monica: “I’m sorry, folks, we appear to be having technical difficulties–”
Montague: “This six-person battle isn’t just a match—it’s a test of sustainability. Does UGWC keep running on the same old power-hungry dynasty, or do we shift to something more efficient, something dynamic, something unexpected?”
Monica: “Montague, while your enthusiasm is appreciated, I’m not sure how this relates to energy storage.”
Montague: “Oh, but isn’t that the very essence of energy? Control? Efficiency? Who gets to store the power, and who is left in the dark? Why, it’s the very same principle Donovan Hastings operates under. He hoards it, manipulates it, and ensures that no one else can power their own rise without his assessment of how it will brighten his own bulb.”
Monica: “I don’t think Donovan controls an entire wrestling company like an energy grid…”
Monty: "He doesn’t need to own the power plant—he just needs to have his hands on the switch.”
Monica: “I think it’s time for a commercial break…”
Backstage, whilst Montague’s current segment plays on a monitor, the UGWC Cooperative Champions - The Empire of Calamity - relax in the green room. It is, however, uniquely quiet between the two BFFs. Lucy is currently on her phone, smiling in that way that suggests that she’s probably texting Thaddeus, and Sebastian’s usual constant vigilance has given way to a middle-distance stare that he’s adopted almost exclusively since the previous Sunday.
Lucy takes a deep breath, a satisfied smile upon her mischievous face, before dropping her phone in her lap and turning to face her fellow Cooperative Champion.
“Everything okay, BFF?” she asks. Seb blinks.
“Hmm?” asked Seb.
“You seem to be somewhere else entirely,” said Lucy. Seb glances at the screen and Montague’s current monologue.
“If only,” Seb grumbles. “Just thinking about the match this week - everytime I think things should be fine, that Pierce, Hastings and Wallace could never trust one another, I remember who we have to trust to watch our backs and I can’t help but wonder…”
“Whether we’d be idiots to assume he won’t stab us in the back?” asked Lucy.
“Right,” said Seb. “I mean, we called a truce. And I want to believe it’s real, even if it’s just until the end of the show this week. And honestly, as much as I can say about anyone, Monty is the kind of person who I’d expect to walk up to you and stab you in the gut. But, given the fact that there’s two of us and one of him…”
“If he was going to try something, he’d be better doing it while we’re not looking,” said Lucy.
“You just get me, BFF,” said Seb with a smile.
“Of course I do,” said Lucy, glancing down at her phone and biting her lip. She tilts her head as she looks at the screen. “Jesus…”
“I don’t want to know,” said Seb.
“Some would say you already do,” said Lucy raising her eyebrows. Seb’s mouth curls into a half-smile.
“No comment,” said Seb. Lucy began to type away on her phone as Seb cleared his throat, but didn’t look at his best friend. He closed his eyes, and began to talk
“Look, neither of us have had the best week this week. You and Aurora lost the Tag Titles and I lost the Uni… And, honestly, I’m on a bit of a downward streak right now. Vain, the Roth tournament, losing to Adeyemi… I just wanted to let you know that I can see what’s happening, and I’m trying really hard not to fall into old habits,” said Seb calmly. He opened his eyes and turned to look at Lucy, who was still looking at her phone and smiling. “Hello? Earth to Lucy?”
“Sorry, what?” she said. “Oh god, I’m sorry Seb, I was distracted. What were you saying?”
“I was just saying that…” Seb began, but as he did, My Name Is Human begins to play on Lucy’s phone.
“Oh shit - it’s Thad. I just need… Sorry…” Lucy answered the phone. Seb’s eyes returned to the monitor, which had changed to something else entirely. Seb leaned back in his seat, his eyes glazing as his mind began to wander again. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when…
“Okay, sorry BFF. No more interruptions, what were you saying?” Lucy asked. But as she did, the door opened as Montague made his way inside looking incredibly happy with himself. A frustrated looking researcher glanced at Seb.
“We’re ready for you,” she said. Seb nodded and got to his feet, fastening his jacket.
“When you get back, we’ll pick up on what you were saying, okay?” said Lucy.
“Its okay,” said Seb with a smile. “It was nothing.”
Lucy reached out and took his hand and squeezed it. But Seb pulled it away, and followed the researcher out of the room.
Monica: “Up next, we bring you a remarkable story from the world of medical innovation. Towana Looney, a 53-year-old woman from Alabama, has just become the longest-living recipient of a genetically engineered pig kidney transplant.”
“Here to help us dive into her incredible story, we welcome Dr. Juliana Hawthorne, senior researcher in Xenotransplantation, bioethics professor Dr. Lena Rivers, Marcus Caldwell, a recipient of a genetically modified pig heart, and... of course... Sebastian Everett-Bryce, UGWC Cooperative Champion.”
Monica: “In the interest of hearing from our entire panel, I’m going to open the floor, but ask each of you to respect one another’s–”
Seb: “I’m sorry, did you just say he has a Pig’s heart?”
Monica: “Yes - it was a procedure that saved his…”
Seb: “People will put anything in their bodies these days - ask my BFF, she knows allllll about making inadvisable choices about what to put in your body.”
Monica: “What… That isn’t… This in entirely irrelevant…”
Seb: “Irrelevant? My two best friends gallivanting around the world like a pair of horny teenagers? I can assure you it’s relevant to almost every scenario you can think of.”
Monica: “How about the topic in hand… The genetically engineered Pig Kidney?”
Seb: “If it was genetically engineered, why is it a pig’s kidney? Why not a human?”
Dr. Rivers: “That is a fantastic ethical question which…”
Seb: “Quiet on set please. We’re recording a live television show…”
Seb rolled his eyes and Dr. Rivers looked mutinous.
Seb: “Sorry, Monica - you were saying?”
Monica: “I wasn’t saying anything…”
Seb: “Oof - that’s highly unprofessional Monica - dead air is a criminal offence in television.”
Monica: “No, I mean, I was trying to let Dr. Riv…”
Seb: “If you want to make it in the big leagues, you can’t be allowing dead air, Monica. Ironically, I learned that from Travis Pierce. You’ve heard of him I suppose? You media-types all know each other. Jobs for the boys and all that - and people call me privileged. Well anyway, Travis always used to do the most unprofessional things on his shows - so I learned that if I just did the opposite of what he would do, then I’d always come across as professional. This is a good example - I used to say something, and then he’d sit there in front of the camera, his mouth bobbing open and closed like a dead fish. Much like yours is now - thing is, he would always edit his TV shows so he looked like less of a moron. But you’re live, Monica. I don’t think you have that luxury.”
Monica: “...”
Seb breaks into a wide smile. Monica continues to stare at him with her mouth slightly agape.
Seb: “Ahhhh I see - star-struck. I understand that - I am, by far and away the biggest star that you’ve probably ever had on this show. Sorry BFF, but it’s true. Afterall, the reason that UGWC’s biggest event of the year was so successful this past December - not just the fact that Alan Wallace and I tore the house down with the undoubted match of the night, but just the very prospect of seeing me in action was enough to sell out the entire arena. AND they got to see me twice. TWICE. You know how special that is, right? What’s that Marvin?”
Seb held his hand to his ear. Marcus looks off camera and points to himself.
Marcus: “My… My name is Marcus?”
Seb: “You asked how did Horizons go for me personally? … Well… Shut up pig dick, no-one asked you.”
Marcus: “It’s a heart not a… a… a…”
Seb: “We can call it a Hastings if we’re not allowed to say dick on this network. That’s okay. I’ll be willing to accept that substitution.”
Monica: “Mr. Everett-Bryce, do you have ANYTHING to say about…”
Seb: “The upcoming match this week? Surely I do - the way I see it, Hastings, Pierce and Wallace have about as much chance of successfully mixing as Bleach and Rubbing alcohol - anyone know what that makes when mixed together?”
Seb begins to point around him to the various other talking heads on their screens. Dr. Hawthorne slowly, and with clear trepidation, raises her hand.
Seb: “Yes Dr. Pricklewhore?”
Dr. Hawthorne: “Chloroform?”
Seb: “Ten points to Hufflepuff - that’s right. Because the three of them together is going to put everyone the fuck to sleep. I can see it now - Alan Wallace stomping around swinging his dick like Thor’s hammer acting like he’s the picture of reserved modesty talking about how he knew he would win at Horizons but it was the fight of his life and I was such an incredible challenge, all while Travis Pierce sneers from the corner about how he’s the best member of his team despite having barely winning a relevant match since the last Trump administration. Then there’s Donovan “The Legacy” Hastings who will just continue to pontificate about how he’s the greatest Champion to grace UGWC and always will be - until he goes back into an awkward semi-hibernation for two years after he loses.”
The talking heads, the host, the producers, the audience have the appearance of a group of people watching a terrible car crash and having no physical capability of walking away.
Seb: “Here’s the deal - Lucy and Me? We’re the greatest Team in the history of this and any other company. Fact. We’re the best in the business. And if it was just us? I’d still like our chances. But it’s not, is it? We have a Doctor-Professor of our own. And whilst the Empire of Calamity and The Showman may not be much better of a mix than Alan, Donovan and Travis, the reaction will be so much more impressive. Because we’re going to blow… your fucking… faces off - you’ve been warned, gentlemen. See you on Monday.”
Seb smirks and winks at the camera, before turning to face Monica;’s direction - ever the professional.
Seb:”Monica - back to you in the studio.”
Seb gets to his feet and starts to pull out his ear-piece. But producers appear to try and keep him in his seat. Monica looks shell-shocked as she turns back to the camera.
Monica: “... I would just like to take a moment to… Apologise… For… Well everything that you’ve just seen there. We’re going to take a commercial break and when we come back, we’ll be moving on to our final story of the evening.”
The commercial credits begin to run, but Monica can very clearly be seen mouthing the words “What the fuck?” off camera.
Lucy’s attention continues to be taken by her phone - the seemingly ever-present smile, unphased by the fact that The Calamity was now spending some one-on-one time with the… Ahem… Professor of Who The Fuck Cares… Montague, however, seems to be surveying his soon-to-be partner with particular care. Leaning leisurely into his seat, one arm draped over the back, Montague makes no effort to gain Lucy’s attention.
But that doesn’t mean he’s not about to be on the receiving end of it.
“The fuck you looking at?” asked Lucy, glancing up from her phone briefly.
“Just taking everything in, Ms. Wylde,” said Montague. “I always like to have all the answers before questions start being asked.”
“What questions?” asked Lucy.
“About where your focus is - your Cooperative Championships? Your inevitable record-breaking World Heavyweight Championship victory? Our match this Monday?” asked Montague, with his mouth curling into a smirk. “Or perhaps it’s on that brain-rotting device in your hand, and the brain-rotting conversation that you’re inevitably having right now.”
“Listen fucker, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” said Lucy, scowling - and yet, as she replied, she dropped her phone to her side. Lucy climbed to her feet and stepped towards the Doctor-Professor who merely tilted his head in amusement. “You know, you might be able to make Seb believe that we can trust you - but I still think you’re a sneaky fuck, and I’d be just as happy if we took you out of the equation before we stepped out to the ring. I’d trust me and Seb on our own more than I trust you to do anything stood by our side.”
Montague shook his head, enjoying baiting Lucy.
“Poor Lucy - it must be awfully bleak living in a world where every glass is half-empty. Maybe you should take a leaf out of your partner's book. See the good in the world. See that people are capable of being more than what you expect them to be. Perhaps if you’d been able to look past the superficial, you wouldn’t have let Donovan steal the World Championship from you,” said Montague with a smile.
“Motherfu…” Lucy began, but she paused.
“Ahhh,” said Montague. “I sense I may have brushed an exposed nerve. But let me be perfectly clear - whatever you think of me, I respect this company and this business. And without a doubt, both you and Sebastian have been two of the most dominant superstars UGWC has ever seen. And whilst I may have no interest in your dull personal lives, I am very much respectful of your professional ones. And while I know you seem to think I’m merely wasting everyone’s time, I would very much like to take what Donovan Hastings holds - if for no other reason than just to see how he’d react.”
“So you want me to believe that the reason that you’re going to work with us is because you want to take the title from Hastings - and you want me to believe that you think that the best way to do that is to work with us rather than against us?” asked Lucy, with not just a little scepticism. “It’s not like we’re going to help you.”
“I neither want, nor need your help,” said Montague simply, raising his left hand, palm up. “I merely have no desire to stand side by side with the Lord of Pain and your next Cooperative opponents. On this most rare of occasions, I can say without doubt that… The Empire of Calamity are the chosen company in this upcoming carnival.”
Lucy’s eyes narrowed, still suspicious, but her body language changed. She seemed less confrontational. She backed away slowly and returned to her seat, picking up her phone one more time.
“Just know that if you stab us in the back, I’ll smother you to death with your own top hat,” said Lucy. “Not a joke - a promise.”
“Heard and understood, Ms. Wylde,” said Montague as Lucy returned to her phone, and Montague glanced at the screen where the exasperated host is trying to take the show to a commercial break.
Monica: “Welcome back. In our next story, we’ll meet a hearty new microorganism capable of surviving in space. Scientists have dubbed it ‘Conan, the Bacterium.’”
“Please welcome our panel of experts…”
Monica: “Oh forget it!”
She hurries from her chair and abandons the broadcast completely.