Saturday, February 5, 2022

MC38 - Suck'd

The voiceover from Aaron Mahnke begins this week with intercut images of creatures.

Mahnke: There are currently 1.67 million scientifically identified species of life in the world, and using statistical models, researchers estimate that an additional 7 million have yet to be discovered. After all the centuries humans have been cataloging, we’ve only managed to discover one fifth of the flora and fauna we share a planet with.

In 2020, the London Natural History Museum alone was able to distinguish 503 new species, three quarters of which were still living. Specimens were found living deep underwater, on remote islands, and a new species of monkey was even discovered in an expired volcano caldera.

With so many square miles of rainforests, deserts, lakebeds, ocean floors, and other nearly inaccessible places still left unexplored, it’s no surprise that we continue to turn up previously unknown plants, insects, fungi, and animals each year. Understanding how much knowledge we lack about our world, however, is courting the possibility of terrifying beings lurking in the wild, in some cases preying and feeding on more common, unsuspecting lifeforms.

While knowledge of any new lifeform is exciting, not every discovery is going to be a cute tiny tree frog or a harmless, lungless salamander. Occasionally you find a Suzhen’s krait snake in Myanmar, a Rice’s whale in the Gulf of Mexico, a new type of velvet spiders from Iran that operate in large broods similar to beehives or ant colonies and are named for Joaquin Phoenix’s version of The Joker, or a forty-two foot carnivorous siphonore off the coast of Australia which emits red bioluminescence to attract prey into its massive coils.  

There are truly horrifying things on this planet that would probably be better off left unknown, for our own sanity.

Many of these discoveries are simply a newer variety of an already identified breed, something that resembles a cousin in the same phylum but has a slightly altered DNA sequence not present in the original. A mutation that leads to spines on a different part of the head, or a brilliant new color pattern, or an aberrant behavior. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility then, that what we refer to as cryptids may simply be unclassified members of a family of similar creatures. Skunk apes, giant sea serpents, even the kraken was considered the stuff of legend or prehistory until a live one was captured on film near Kyoto.

Is it much of a stretch of imagination then that a hematophagic, hairless canine might be roaming the deserts of Latin American and the United States Southwest?

I’m Aaron Mahnke. And this… is AstroCryptids.

Interstate 10 snakes through the Chihuahuan Desert in Western Texas, splitting the desert in half. A 1965 Plymouth Belvedere squad car rushes down the desolate highway toward the Sierra Blanca mountains.

Inside, Montague drives as he continually reaches over to slap Bunny’s paws away from the siren toggle. The doggy drone hadn’t worked out, what with Rett now accompanying the Doctor-Professor on his expeditions. Luckily, Jacky had stumbled on something fortuitous quite by accident, and now the reanimated Bunny was her avatar. In the backseat, a much less agitated Rett contentedly watches the boundless desert roll by.

Jacky (as Bunny): What made you decide on chupacabras for Hide Yamazaki? Is it because Johnny Hitmaker is a bloodsuckin’ chickenhawk that feeds on more successful talent until they’re weak and irrelevant?

Montague pauses, hesitating as he stares at the ribbon of highway stretching out before them.

Montague: I wish I’d thought of that, actually.

Shaking his head with regret, he blinks as a turn off to the left comes into view in the distance. They have some miles to go yet, but in this flat hardpan, you can see for impossible distances.

Jacky (as Bunny): So why then?

Montague: Well Johnny is always saying things like Hide is the greatest World Champion of all time–

Jacky (as Bunny): Eighth greatest.

Montague: Right. But he says it with the conviction as if Hide is actually the greatest of all time. You know, the G.O.A.T.. But other than that banner year he and Seb had as part of the Uncommonwealth, he’s kind of sucked since then.

Jacky (as Bunny): That’s the damn truth. I still don’t get it, though.

Montague: Chupa. Cabras.

Jacky (as Bunny): Ah– wait… goatsucker... G.O.A.T. Sucker?

Bunny fixes Montague with a look that comes as close as a Frankensteined, reanimated rabbit carcass can come to disdain.

Montague shrugs sheepishly.

Montague: Seemed like a good idea at the time. So what is this place?

Jacky (as Bunny): This woman I found on r/realcryptidsightings claims to have captured three chupacabras.

Montague: Alive?

Jacky (as Bunny): Alive! And she’s been postin’ almost daily about how she’s caring for them. 

Montague: I’m afraid to ask…

Jacky (as Bunny): She owns a huge poultry ranch, so she’s been givin’ each of them one bird a week. And guess what?

Montague: … what?

Jacky (as Bunny): Today is feedin’ day!

Rett: Rett!

Montague: Alright, give me the exposition.

Bunny snickers with Jacky’s voice, but his eyes glaze over for a full minute while Jacky pulls up the info from the control room back in Chicago.

Jacky (as Bunny): There have been unexplainable attacks on animals since the 1970s. People were findin’ their livestock dead and completely drained of blood. All of them had three tiny pinpricks somewhere on them forming a triangle. At first people thought it was a Satanic cult.

Montague: What kind of animals were being attacked?

Jacky (as Bunny): All kinds. Sheep, cows, donkeys, ducks, dogs, cats, ferrets, cranes, otters, turkeys, horses, oxen, snakes, gila monsters, rabbits, voles, badgers, armadillos, squirrels, deer, pumas–

Montague: Goats?

Jacky (as Bunny): Yeah, goats, of course.

Montague: So this thing will eat anything it can get its hands on.

Jacky (as Bunny): Basically. A lot of people think it was mass hysteria, but for the next twenty years these drained animals were being found in San Juan, Nassau, Ponce, Port-au-Prince, Trinidad, Bayamon, Montego, Caguas, Georgetown, Geiger Beach, El Yunque Forest, Moca, Campeche, Guanica–

Montague: It seems like most of these places are in Puerto Rico.

Jacky (as Bunny): Yep, Puerto Rico is the epicenter.

Montague: So why aren’t we heading there?

Bunny sighs.

Jacky (as Bunny): Well, around 1995 people started reporting actual sightings. It was supposed to be this alien-like lizard creature with big fangs and spikes coming out of its back.

Montague: A lizard? I thought it was a dog?

Jacky (as Bunny): Do you remember a movie from around that time called Species?

Montague: Natasha Hendstridge?

Jacky (as Bunny): Exactly. Turns out all the artist renderings and police sketches looked suspiciously like her alien form. Since that came out, the panic in the Caribbean has mostly died down.

Montague: Oh I see. That’s disappointing.

Jacky (as Bunny): Right. Luckily, since then there have been sightings all over the world that look more like the dog version you’re thinkin’ of.

Montague: All over the world?

The bunny nods enthusiastically.

Jacky (as Bunny): They’ve been spotted in India, China, Chile, The Phillipines, The British Isles, and all over the United States, even as far north as Oregon.

Montague: Oh my.

Rett: Rett!

Jacky (as Bunny): It’s mostly concentrated in the Southwest, though, so this lead feels pretty good.

Montague: I’m optimistic.

With the impeccable timing that only comes from the writer needing to move this along, they finally reach the turn off the interstate and pass a sign indicating that this is the way to the Sierra Poca Ranch. Now traveling south, the road gradually rises ever so slightly in elevation, possibly indicating their increasing proximity to the range in the distance.

In less than a half mile, a collection of pueblo-colored wooden buildings appear on the edge of the horizon, and eventually they’re close enough to see what looks like miles of fencing. They pull into a driveway and climb out.

Although Bunny and Rett seem to be unaffected, the first thing that strikes the Showman is the acrid stench of bird shit. In fact, he quickly feels as though he had a bath in it this morning, and wrinkles his nose in disgust. Plucking a tan handkerchief from thin air, he hurries to hold it against his nose and mouth to block out as much of the aroma as possible.

Kathy Bates Look Alike: Well god damn, y’all’re here right on time!

A heavyset woman in stained overalls and a gray wife-beater that may have once been white steps down off a porch nearby. The AstroCreeps approach, but hesitate a step as she shakes her meaty fist, causing the three chickens she’s clutching by neck to squawk and try unsuccessfully to claw at her.

Kathy Bates Look Alike: Got these god damn varmints wrangled up and ready to feed. 

Without another word, she turns to the side yard to lead down a walkway overgrown with scrub grass toward a neglected shack facing away from the rest of the yard. She pulls up short before stepping up onto the slanted plank that serves as a stoop for the building.

Kathy Bates Look Alike: Y’all got the god damn fee?

The Doctor-Professor holds out a fan of bills, which the rancher tucks into the bib over her overalls before flashing a grin with only sixty percent of the teeth in place. She lifts an iron bar from across the door and holds the door open for them to enter first.

Monty leads the way, with Bunny in the middle, and Rett following. As their eyes adjust, they’re presented with what look like three homemade rabbit snare cages. Inside, three animals cower and shiver.

They are indeed canine in form, but neither of them have hair; in fact, they seem to be covered from snout to tail with scabs and flaking skin. Their eyes are sunken deep into their skulls, and their lips and paws have pulled back to reveal far more teeth and claws than you’d expect to see. Their spines are humped and misshapen, the vertebrae pronounced and pushing as if to escape the damaged skin on their backs.

As the Kathy Bates Look Alike proudly steps into the dry, hot gloom, the three creatures begin to whimper. Montague watches their dry tongues loll out of their mouths in desperate anticipation.

Jacky (as Bunny): Oh no…

Bunny turns to cast a wary glance up at the Showman, who is trembling.

Jacky (as Bunny): Monty…?

The rancher shakes the chickens cruelly, teasing the dogs and playing up the show. Montague whispers a warning.

Montague: Stop it.

Kathy Bates Look Alike: It’s better if’n they are real god damn hungry.

Montague: I said stop it.

Bunny steps slightly to one side, clearing the space between Monty and the rancher. Rett, detecting the tone in his voice, allows the flashing icons in his eyes to come to rest on a pair of X’s and snap to attention on the woman’s movements.

Kathy Bates Look Alike: What’s wrong with y’all? Did you come to see the god damn chupacabras eat or not?

Montague: Those are not chupacabras.

The simmering rage in his voice is unmistakable. One by one, he points toward the cages.

Montague: That is a Fennec fox, that’s a coyote, and that one is a red wolf. They’re all infested with mange and starving. They need to be taken to a wildlife rehabilitator.

A tense silence plays out in the shed while everyone with working sweat glands can feel water sliding down their backs. The rancher looks from animal to the next with confusion.

Kathy Bates Look Alike: Well, it don’t matter. People believe they’re chupacabras, and I’ve made a god damn fortune on ‘em.

Montague: You’re starving them out for money? You’re sick.

Kathy Bates Look Alike: I think maybe y’all oughta get off my god damn property.

Montague hears a tell-tale click, but turns his head quickly to give Bunny a slight shake. He gives the woman a deadly stare before turning and ushering his animals out of the shed.

Montague: I don’t know where you’re hiding that thing, but keep a tight grip on it.

Bunny nods without looking up, ready for anything. They step down off the stoop as the sickening sound of the imprisoned animals inside feeding drifts out. Instead of heading for the car, Montague pivots and marches to the left toward one of the pens.

Breaking into a run, he sprints toward the gate and dropkicks it hard enough to knock it off its hinges, then rolls up to his feet and begins whooping and hollering at the top of his lungs.

Bunny watches with fascination until Jacky catches the hint and makes him run off in another direction, giving a war cry as she assaults the gate of another pen. Rett turns and lasers the hinges off another gate.

Over the next several minutes, many things seem to happen all at once, or out of order, or whatever. A series of interconnected scenes happen.

A massive flock of geese streams out of one of the pens, wings flapping, voices honking, and beaks darting. They’re intersected by a swarm of chickens going absolutely insane, like a scene from Legend of Zelda. From another direction, a stampede of emus stomps through the grounds.

Ranch hands are running to and fro, making a futile effort to get the bedlam under control. Bird sounds create a discordant cacophony as feathers of all color and size fly. Through the pandemonium, glimpses of Montague, Bunny, and Rett can be seen rushing here and there, amping up the excitement and confusion.

At some point, the noise draws Kathy Bates Look Alike out of the shed, her jaw hanging slack as she absently wipes chicken blood off her hands. She gapes around at her animals going absolutely insane and her staff desperately trying to restore order.

Kathy Bates Look Alike: What the god damn hell is happening? Miguel, go get the tasers! Boone, hit the siren! Davy, grab my tranq gun from–

She’s cut short by a creaking sound behind her. The door to the shed swings open, and she turns to look over her shoulder. A chorus of low growls emits from the doorway as three nearly skeletal snouts, teeth still dripping with crimson, emerge slowly.

Kathy Bates Look Alike: God DAAAAAMN!

All three “chupacabras” pounce, knocking her sprawling in the dust, as the scene fades.

A thunderous sound that could be mistaken for hundreds of jungle creatures panicking as they flee from some natural disaster rises over the Chihuahuan Desert as Montague, Bunny, and Rett make their way back to the Plymouth. Trailing them, the fox, wolf, and coyote follow obediently if not with an air of relief.

Montague: It eats me up to watch a majestic beast, something that should be an apex predator, caged and mistreated by an imbecile obsessed with their own fortunes. They are so proud of their collection, without truly understanding or appreciating it.  

The pitiful scream of a human male can be heard from the ranch.

Montague: That’s the sound my heart makes whenever I see Hide Yamazaki being clumsily promoted by Johnny Hitmaker. No hyperbole. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel sorry for The Strong Style Satanist, not the way I did for these good boys…

He reaches a hand out to his side and the Fennec fox rushes up to nip playfully at his fingers.

Montague: No, it’s more or less the agony of listening to him rant like a Karen on a customer service call while his clients are steadily taken less and less seriously. The victims of Hitmaker-Yamazaki Enterprises are slowly wasting away, hungry for glory, respect, or just some momentum for a change.

Bunny nods sagely. Montague reaches out and pulls the handle for the backseat and motions for the dogs to hop inside.

Montague: So let’s cut through the paper-thin delusions Johnny has woven around Deathwish and look at some facts. I’m standing at a solid nine points in the Global Challenge going into Synergy. Yamazaki has four. Thanks to the time limit draw last week, the best he can hope for is to make me tap out and pray that Dixon doesn’t make Raab tap. Even if he puts on the best performance he can possibly pull off, the best he can do is tie me in points and gamble that we don’t wind up with a three way tie that has to be decided at Infinity.

Rett is the last to hop into the backseat of the cruiser, while Bunny makes his way around to the passenger seat.

Montague: And that's the best-case scenario. The overwhelmingly stacked odds are that either Hide or I will win by pinfall. Either outcome loses him Block B of the tournament. So the more likely future involves Johnny’s favorite boy giving it all he’s got and still never getting anywhere near the Block A winner at Infinity… which will be Jacky of course.

Jacky (as Bunny): Duh.

Montague climbs in behind the wheel and turns the engine over.

Montague: The odds are so solidly not in his favor that I almost feel sorry for him. He has to make me submit and then take me on again later, possibly with Dixon in the mix, to be in that final match. All I have to do is not submit on Monday and, unless Dixon pulls off the unlikely achievement of making the Iceman submit, I’m off to dance with my tag team partner at the first big event of Infinity. It’s really starting to feel like the Season of the Witch again, and after the failure of the last crusade sworn against us, I’m not sure our elite enemies will recover this time.  

He adjusts the rearview to check on the four creatures in the backseat one last time as Jacky searches for the nearest wildlife rehabilitation center.

Montague: And our little hated faction is only at sixty six percent right now. Imagine how effortless this is all going to be once Tempest returns.

Jacky (as Bunny): Found one. Head back out to the interstate and head east.

Montague hesitates as an ostrich lumbers past the grill. A bloody ranch hand stumbles after it, prompting Monty to throw the car into drive and lunge forward, clipping him with the bumper and knocking him on his ass. WIth that, he throws it into reverse and peels out of the ranch’s drive.